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Titties and Beer by Frank Zappa

It was the blackest night,
there was no moon in sight,
You know the stars ain't shining
'cause the sky's too tight.
I heard the scary wind,
I seen some ugly trees,
There was a werewolf honkin' 'long the side o'me.

I'm mean and I'm bad,
You know I ain't no sissy,
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissie
Talkin' about her and my bike and me,
And this ride up the mountain of mystery, mystery.

I noticed even the crickets were acting weird up here,
And so I figured I might just drink a little beer.
I said, "Gimme some of that what you're suckin' on!"
But there was no reply 'cause she was gone.

"Where's those titties I like so well? And my goddamn beer?"
is what I started to yell,
Then I heard this noise like a crunch o'twig,
Then up jumped the devil, he's about this big.

He had a red suit on, and a widow's peak
And a pointed tail and like-a-sulfury,
Yes it was him alright, I sweared I knowed it was
He had some human flesh stuck underneath his claws,
You know it looked to me like titty skin
I said "You son of a bitch!", 'cause I was mad at him
Well, he just got out his floss
And started picking his fangs,
So I shot him with my shooter,
Said "Bang, bang, bang!"

Then the sucker just laughed and said "Put it away.
You know I ate her all up, now what you gonna say?"
"You ate my Chrissie?!"
"Titties and all!"
"Well, what about the beer then, boy?"
"Uh...were the cans this tall?"
"Even her boots?"
"Would I lie to you?"
"Shit, you musta been hungry."
"Yes, this is true."
"Don't they pay you good for the stuff that you do?"
"Well you know, I can't complain when the checks come through."

"Well I want my Chrissie and I want my beer,
so you just barf it back up, devil, do you hear?"

"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am the devil, do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your titties and beer?
I s'pose you noticed this little contract here."

"You're goddman right, you son of a whore!"
("Don't call me that!")
"It's about the only reason I learned writin' for.
Gimme that paper, you bet your ass I will sign,
because I need a beer, and it's titty-squeezin' time."

"Man, you can't fool me, you ain't that bad...I mean,
you should'a seen some of the souls that I've had.
Why there was Milhouse Nixon and Agnew, too, and both
of those suckers was worse than you."

"Well let's make a deal if you think that's true,
I mean, you're the devil, so whatcha gonna do?"

"Wait a minute...a tinge of doubt crosses my mind...wouldn't you say...
that you want to make a deal with me..."

"That's very, very true.
I'm only interested in two things.
See if you can guess what they are."

"I would think...uh...let's see, maybe Stravinsky..."

"I'll give you two clues. Let go of your pickle."

"What?"

"Let go of your pickle!"

"I'm not holding my pickle."

"Well, who's holding your pickle then?"

"I don't know...she's out in the audience...
Dale, would you like to come up here and hold
my pickle to satisfy this weird man out on the stage?"

"I'm only interested in two things, and that's
titties and beer,
you know what I mean?
titties and beer,
titties and beer,
titties and beer,
titties and beer,
titties and beer,
titties and beer,
titties and beer!"

"No, don't sign it, gimme time to think!
I mean hold on a second boy, 'cause that's magic ink!"

And then the devil let go of his pickle,
and out come my girl, there was her titties
flop-floppin'...all around the world.

She said "I got me three beers and a fistful of downs,
and I'm gonna get ripped, so fuck you clowns!"
She gave us the finger, it was rigid and stiff.
That's when the devil, he farted,
and she went right over the cliff!
The devil was mad, I took off to my pad,
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?

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